today is the day that my little girl would have been 4 years old. i can't imagine what life would be like if she where here with us. i'm making a spot in my blog to reflect on my thoughts of her and how special she is to me. i went through a full 9 month of pregnancy and for anyone who has been preggo before you know of that excitement that comes the moment you find out that you are expecting. then the day you hear the heart beat, the first movement that you feel and that ultrasound finding out that i was having a little girl! my whole life i wanted nothing more than to have a family. to give all the love that i have to a special little person of my own. i've always looked at children with such love and just feel the spirit radiate from them. however i never really knew what it would be like to fully love a child as i did my own. well my first pregnancy went perfect until the end. there where no signs of problems. that little girl was healthy and seemed to me to be very active and happy. i couldn't wait! but on march 10, 2006 my heart was shattered and will never again be completely put back together. the doc couldn't find a heartbeat and at that moment i knew that i would never see my little girl alive in this life. it's hard to explain what kind of pain that is because i can't really explain how much i love my children to give you the full effect. there are no words for that kind of sorrow. my sister in law said it really well when telling her sister what it was like to be a mom. aubry said, "it's like having your heart in someone else. you just don't realize how much you can love someone." this is pretty accurate it really felt that way while at the same time i experienced what felt like my heart had just stopped beating. it died that day with my sweet ella. however difficult those hours, i knew that i was being watched over and taken care of. in those same moments is when i really truly understood our heavenly father. i never felt as close to god as i did in that hospital room. i knew that angels where watching over me and my family i could just feel them crowding the room. i knew how important Jesus Christ and his atonement is. he was the reason that i'm going to get to be with my little girl again. i'm terrible at bearing my testimony in public (due to my extreme shyness) but i will tell you all right now that i know Christ lives. i know that he is with my little baby right know. i know that he has a plan for me whether it's the one i want or not! he loves us so very much and he really does carry me when i can't seem to take another step. i love my family, my husband, my little bridger and even my dog! they have been my strength over these past four years and are the keys to having helped me put my heart back together as best as it can be! i miss you my sweet ella and your momma always will!
landscape
14 years ago
4 comments:
I can't believe Ella would be four. She's a lucky girl to have you as a mom. I love you, Racquel. You are one of the strongest people I know
What a beautiful tribute. I could not hold back the tears. I'm so glad Aidan has such a wonderful loving wife, and I'm so happy that Ella, Bridger, and Yoda have such an amazing Mother! Keep it up Racquel, I truly look up to you.
I'm glad you shared this. When I rule the world, no mother will ever have to go home to an empty nursery. But, as you articulately implied, God knows what He's doing. Even if we don't. He holds us in the palms of His hands.
We've been thinking about you guys lately. I guess now I know why. I hope you don't mind that I googled your name to see if I could find you. Our hearts are with you. I love your picture at the top. It brings warm fuzzies and tears at the same time. Our little angel would be turning five this year. I am going through some of the same thoughts and emotions that you have expressed. Thank you for posting that. It helps me to remember that we're not alone. Please know that you are not alone either. Hope all is well.
Trever & Megan
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